


A measure of worth

by Bill_Longbow



Series: Tony Stark bingo [10]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Don't copy to another site, Established Relationship, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 22:52:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18584263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bill_Longbow/pseuds/Bill_Longbow
Summary: How do you comfort your lover when all you have to offer is yourself?





	A measure of worth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArtInMotion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtInMotion/gifts).



> Thank you to QueenMaeve for being an awesome beta!
> 
> Doubles as a fill for the square 'Iron man' (U4) of the Bucky bingo and 'jealousy' (K2) of the Tony Stark bingo.

Strong arms envelope each other in a tight embrace.

“You'd better come back in one piece, punk.”

“You know I'm too stubborn to die, Buck.”

The exchange is heartwarming in its sincerity. When Steve and Bucky hug you can tell they know what's it like to lose the other. To take for granted there will be another hug, another kiss just like this one, and suddenly all there's left is a hole in your heart in the shape of your lover. They hug like they mean it, memorizing the exact shape and feel of the other.

It's a thing Tony would've drawn if he was any kind of artist. A sight he used to watch with jealous eyes. It still makes him uncomfortable on some level. On another it makes his heart sing when the soldiers pull apart and pull him in between them.

Steve's hands are impossibly large and impossibly warm on Tony's face as he kisses him gently. “Stay safe, yeah?” Steve asks him like he is the one going on a stealth mission which means he won't be in contact for four days minimum.

“Pshh, you think you're stubborn,” Tony answers, and wraps his arms a little tighter around Steve's waist. He feels Bucky's chuckle against his back more than he hears it, and he rests his head against Steve's chest as the soldiers kiss above his head. He's still unsure how exactly this all happened, and he knows in his heart of hearts that it's only temporary, but he has almost died enough times to know you have to seize whatever opportunity is thrown your way.

“Boys,” Natasha warns them, and they reluctantly pull apart. Tony steps back and is surprised by the hand that seeks his own as they watch Steve pick up his duffle and his shield and walk up the ramp of the quinjet. It must be hard for Bucky to watch him go, and Tony squeezes his hand in a paltry attempt to comfort him. At the top Steve turns around and waves until the hatch closes and Nat deftly steers the aircraft out of the hangar bay.

They stand awkwardly as the quinjet speeds out of sight. Bucky’s hand warm and solid around his. It’s different from Steve’s, but Tony can feel the same potential, the same relentless power in it.

“So,” he starts, drawing out the vowel while he wrecks his brain for anything useful to say. His natural loquaciousness has evaporated in the face of being alone with Steve’s-- with _his_ boyfriend for a few days.

He knows it’s Steve’s doing, _Steve_ pulling him into this ‘love of the ages’ fairytale right after the narrator uttered “and they lived happily ever after.” Steve and him had been doing this thing that wasn’t quite a thing yet but could have been right up until he came back with Bucky in tow, squashing all Tony’s hopes of ever getting together. He couldn’t hate Bucky for it. The man was too endearing himself. Too handsome, too charming when he felt like it. Tony was helpless to fall for him as well, and so he had been secretly making plans to move back to Malibu when Steve waltzed into his workshop four weeks ago with Bucky in tow.

And here they were. Waving goodbye to _their_ boyfriend instead of just Bucky’s. They had never been alone without Steve before, not even when Tony had been nothing but a spectator to their relationship. Steve was the oil that kept the engine of their relationship running. With Steve around things were easy. Without him greasing the way… Tony didn’t really know.

“C’mon, doll, let’s blow some shit up.”

Well. Put like that… Things might not be difficult after all.

  
  


Several rounds of grenades and a trick shot competition pitting incendiary arrows against repulsors later they are sweaty and laughing and the tension of before has bled away to make way for tension of another kind. They undress each other on the way to Tony’s penthouse suite, leaving a trail of protective gear, shirts and socks from the shooting range to the elevator. They never make it to the bedroom. As soon as the elevator stops on Tony’s floor Bucky pushes him up against the wall and Tony swings his legs over Bucky’s hips.

It’s fast and dirty and different from having sex with Steve there, but also not, and it’s exactly what the doctor ordered. With every thrust and grunted endearment Bucky pushes the nagging doubt that he was only in it to humor Steve from Tony’s mind. The way he lets Tony suck a huge mark just above the collar tells Tony he’s alright with being claimed.

Later, they do it again, but softer, taking their time to map each other’s bodies. It’s addicting, touching Bucky without another super soldier vying for attention. Tony hasn’t had the chance yet to find out what makes Bucky squirm and call out his name, and he feels a special kind of thrill knowing that it’s _him_ making Bucky come undone so beautifully.

He feels awkward when they lie panting together. Sex is one thing, but cuddling and relationshipping are other things entirely, and Tony doesn’t want to push his luck by staying too long. He tries to leave the bed to take a shower, which seems like a nice, neutral way to avoid the conundrum, but Bucky solves it in a much better way by draping himself across Tony’s hips and promptly falling asleep.

 Tony manages to manoeuvre under Bucky to lie comfortable as well, and falls asleep with his fingers tangled in his (his!) lover’s hair.

  
  


“Sir.” Tony startles awake badly, flailing his arms before immediately holding out his hand like he’s wearing a repulsor.

“Whuh?” He settles down when he spots no immediate danger, and only then does it register that the bed next to him is empty.

“It’s Sergeant Barnes, sir; he seems to be experiencing severe distress and isn’t responsive to my queries.” Jarvis sounds worried, which makes Tony’s worry spike.

“Where is he?” He asks as he scrambles to look for clothes.

“The roof.”

What the… Tony hurries out of the bedroom, tying his robe as he goes.

“I’m sorry, sir. I normally alert Captain Rogers, but with him out of the tower it seemed prudent to ask you, since your relationship with Sergeant Barnes has evolved.”

This makes Tony pull up short and he comes to a halt near the elevator. “How often does this happen?” Neither soldier has told him anything about this. Quite the contrary, Steve had boasted how well Bucky was doing, and Tony thought he could see it himself in the way Bucky held himself.

Jarvis is silent for a bit, probably checking if telling Tony is allowed within the new ‘parameters’ of his relationship with Bucky. “Almost twice a week.”

“ _Twice a week_?” That’s... A lot. That’s an awful lot, and suddenly it makes much more sense why he woke up alone every time the soldiers had spent the night. He had pretended it didn’t hurt, at all, which was easier since Steve brought him breakfast in bed more often than not, hair still wet from a post-workout shower.

Obviously they don’t trust him with this part of Bucky. Obviously they don’t think he can handle this. Obviously their whole relationship is founded on lust and not on trust.

“Sir?”

It’s the feeling he can’t let Jarvis down that makes him move forward again more than anything. If Bucky jumped Tony is sure Jarvis would be able able to catch him in time, but he doesn’t want his AI to feel alone in this. He knows Bucky doesn’t want him around now, but maybe Tony can coax him back inside and leave him alone in a safer location.

Tony takes the stairs instead of the elevator. He doesn’t think he can stand to keep still, while fear and hurt are both clawing their way along his spine, settling deep in his throat. This is why his boyf-- his _friends_ , don’t want him around when they’re feeling fragile. He always manages to make it about himself. It’s a wonder they want anything to with him at all.

Well. He’s always been a good lay.

He cautiously exits the stairwell and regrets not stopping to pull on socks when he steps onto the cold concrete. The wind blows through his robe like he’s wearing nothing at all, and he’s covered in goosebumps in seconds. He keeps close to the wall and prays Bucky didn’t climb to the top terrace, where Tony can only follow him in the suit.

Shielding his eyes from the spotlights, Tony finally sees Bucky, hunched away in the darkest corner of the roof. He’s leaning against the wall, thankfully not standing on the edge, with his legs drawn up against his chest. His feet are as bare as Tony's, but at least he put on some sweats and a hoodie.

Tony knows Bucky must hear him as he shuffles along the concrete, trying ineffectually to keep his robe from getting caught in the wind, but the soldier gives no sign he's aware of Tony. Like Tony has ever dealt well with being ignored.

He sits down a careful distance away and makes a show of arranging his robe. "Gotta say Bronco, I've been on nicer dates."

No reaction, not that Tony thought there'd be one. Bucky stares ahead of him. His long hair blows around his face and, now that Tony takes the time to study him, he notices Bucky is holding his metal arm awkwardly against his body. There are dark stains on the fabric of his sweater, right about were the metal meets flesh, and Tony prays fervently it's sweat. He kissed along that seam only a few hours ago, and the possibility that it's something else makes his stomach roil.

Tony doesn't know what to say; it's no accident the soldiers don't turn to him when they feel bad. All he has to offer are quips, tech and his dick. The cold is getting to him too. He shouldn't complain about it, since his experiences with cold are nowhere near as bad as Bucky's, but being cold always transports him back to the cave.

When he moves his arms to fold around his legs - because he won't let Bucky suffer alone, however inadequate his presence is - Bucky suddenly speaks up.

"I killed you." Bucky's voice is barely audible above the din of the wind. "Crushed your windpipe just like Maria's." Bucky lets his face fall onto his hands as sobs wrack through his body.

Tony freezes. They talked about this, of course they did, but the mentioning of his mom's murder is still like a punch to the gut, and he feels a chill that's got nothing to do with the wind creeping under his robe.

He watched the footage (173 times, but who’s counting), has hugged Bucky through a heartfelt apology while insisting Bucky had nothing to apologize for, but to say that he has dealt with the loss was a huge stretch. He has… compartmentalized. He isn't sleeping with his parents' murderer, he is sleeping with Bucky. In his mind one has nothing to do with the other. Whatsoever.

To hear Bucky, his friend and lover, tearing himself up over it hurts Tony on a whole different dimension, one where he's able to scoot over and wrap his arms around the shaking, sobbing man.

He strokes over Bucky's back, his head, tangles his fingers in Bucky's long hair and whispers reassurances.

"I'm okay, that wasn't you, we're here now, we're safe, you got out, we're good…" He gently rocks them as he murmurs, kissing Bucky's hair in between reassurances.

"I barely felt it… Just a little pressure and you died…" Bucky hiccups.

Tony knows how strong the arm is. He hasn't asked Bucky to run tests, but he's done the math based on observations. Snapping someone's neck would barely even register.  

Suddenly Bucky rears up and pulls at his shoulder, reaching under his hoodie.

"Off! Gone… I want it gone!"

Tony can't keep Bucky from tearing at his flesh again. As the fabric of his hoodie stains darker Tony straddles Bucky and hugs him as tight as he can. It's a leap of faith. With one swipe of his arm Bucky can throw Tony off the roof without even exerting himself. But this is _Bucky_. He can't stand his lover hurting like this.

"Please, Bucky bear, let me help you?" Tony can't help that his plea sounds more like a sob. "Please?"

He knows he's shit at emotions and comfort, but this is a thing he _can_ do. He can build, and he'll build the best damn arm if only Bucky lets him.

Tony relaxes a little when he feels Bucky slump underneath him. He tries to ignore the wet spot against his collarbone, which is hard when the wind chills it so much that he can't keep himself from shaking anymore. His bare feet hurt and soon his teeth are chattering. Ironically, Tony’s discomfort is what seems to bring Bucky back to himself.

"Doll," he says as he wraps his arms around Tony, his voice warm and worried. "I'm so sorry, let's get you inside."

Bucky lifts him with ease and Tony is too relieved to feel annoyed when Bucky carries him like a little kid on his hip, holding on to Tony even when they're in the elevator down, even when they're back in bed, even when Tony stops shivering. They both need the reassurance only their warm bodies can offer.

"Didna wanna worry you," Bucky whispers in the dark to Tony's unspoken question.  

"Did a lousy job," Tony answers, glad at the chuckle this earns.

They're silent for a while again. Tony draws equations on Bucky's chest while Bucky combs his fingers through Tony's hair. It's the longest they've ever cuddled and it would've been perfect if not for the way Bucky's hoodie still sticks to his left shoulder.

"Let me build you a new one."

Tony has two concept designs on file, but he would never fabricate one without Bucky's express consent.

"Okay." Bucky sounds hesitant, but Tony reaches out and threads his fingers through Bucky's metal ones, making a shudder ripple through him.

"One that doesn't hurt."

"Okay." Surer now, almost relieved. "No repulsors or rocket launchers though."

"Spoilsport."

"No Swiss knife utilities either."

"Pff, sure, put a cap on my creativity," Tony smiles against Bucky's chest. "What about vibrating fingers?"

"..."

"Deal."

 

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: Steve and Bucky established relationship. Tony has just joined their relationship (maybe like a month). Steve is away on a mission, so when Bucky is having a hard time with ptsd/nightmares Tony is worried that Bucky won't let him help. Cue lots of hurt/comfort. Wants: I love fluff and angst. I'm cool with smut as well though. Lots of casual touch and playing with hair.


End file.
